I read an article ("The XY Files," Lori Gottleib)in the newest Atlantic that is really bugging me, and I'm not even sure why. It's a personal narrative about a woman's decision to have a child with anonymous, sperm bank sperm. She talks a lot about Single Mothers by Choice, "a national group for women who want to have children but won't shack up with the wrong guy to do so." I'm not the sort of person who thinks a child necessarily needs two parents to grow up happy and whatever, and I think if a woman wants to have a child, well why not? But the article just made me depressed.
Maybe I just don't like the idea of selecting the perfect genetic material. Diane Rehm recently aired a show about the so-called genius factory, the Nobel Prize sperm bank that ended up having very few Nobel-prize winning donors. One story was about a mother who freaked out when her genius-sperm son declared that he wanted to be a pro-wrestler. Ha! Served her right for trying to concoct a certain sort of child. Poor kid, though. Gottleib's article gets into this territory a bit, as she purposefully avoids "genetic schmutz" like schizophrenia, breast cancer, etc. in the donor's family history.
But more than that, I was bothered by Gottleib's sense of relief at avoiding the messiness of a relationship and getting right to the baby-making. Consider this comment: "Instead of marrying a schlubby but lovable man and thinking, I hope our kid doesn't get his crooked nose or bad eyesight or thin hair, I could pick from cold, hard DNA." Obviously, the carefully selected DNA will surprise her, and she seems to know this (she's clearly not trying to create some sort of uber-child) but what distresses me about the comment is the dismissal of the "schlubby but lovable man." I know she's being playful, but still--it's as if dating and mating have become like shopping, where there's no space for imperfections.
My parents' relationship has always struck me as a bit boring (they don't share similar interests or the "core connection" Gottleib describes), but they have created an amazing life together rich with struggle--and joy. I'm the daughter of a "schlubby but lovable" man, and I unfortunately share many of his schlubby characteristics. Even though I hate the fact that I carry around wadded up tissues in my pockets just like he does, I am always delighted by the recognition that I am very much my father's daughter. Our imperfections make us interesting, give us stories to tell.
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4 comments:
Yes, I find this whole thing strange. Like you, I think if a woman wants a child, why not? But then again, and I'm no creationist, it does take two, so to speak. I think it's fine to have a kid, but I also wonder, does the kid think it's fine? I used to work at a daycare, and the boys without fathers (there were a number of them) seemed to cling to any adult man who would give them the time of day. Anyway, I also get the creeps when people say they would terminate a pregnancy if they found out they were having a Down Syndrome baby. I mean, it's like Brave New World. When I worked at the daycare there was a fantastic girl with Downs and I hate to think that someone might not have wanted her. Plus, I just don't know how anyone can raise a child on their own. I know people do it, but I can barely do it, and I have a spouse who does 50%. I know a woman who chose to have two children on her own, and I think, would I sign up for that? I don't think so.
I also think the Nobel sperm bank is weird. The book sounded fascinating though. I want to know about what kind of woman wants to have a genuis child. I'm pretty sure Son is at least "smart" and, according to the peditrician, that's what makes him "difficult" now. I don't think I could take it if he was any smarter. :)
I find myself drawn to making a baby the old-fashioned way, myself, and loved the idea of the surprise of it all (okay, I know you're laughing because obviously I was "drawn" to this, since I did it five times--but seriously, that's a whole nother story!). I do recognize that the surprise can also be a heartbreak, or a real challenge. My niece, for instance, is autistic. Again, not to oversentimentalize, but she's pretty great.
As for schlubbiness in a mate--well, which of us is not at some level a schlub? It's trying to hide this basic fact that turns people neurotic, mean, and hard to get along with.
I guess people can be as picky as they want, including about their children pre-conception--but that's not for me.
Your comment on dating/mating as some sort of commercial act struck a chord. Lately the only types of dates I've had lately seem to devolve into that--a cold calculation of my worthiness to be a potential mate. BLEH.
wadded up tissue: I love that example of schlubbiness though wife has the same habit (plus tissues under pillow, on cabinet, under books) which drives me nuts. But I will take odd schlubby stuff over perfection any day.
Interestingly on the Diane Rehm's program I heard that most mother's didn't choose the real smart sperm because they wanted "normal" kids. So even given the choice to choose genius many chose normal. I think that's remarkable on one level.
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